:: ON PAIN + MEDITATION and other musings ::

POOR ME ... a history

First, a little context building ... and then I will share a divine download. Keep reading.

There was a phase during my TBI recovery -- not sure how long it lasted, ... and if I'm being sacredly honest, there may still be some left in my system -- that we'll call "poor me". Yes, I'm talking about the "poor me", "this sucks", "why did this happen to me", "no one gets it" energy.

I'm sure there are some enlightened souls out there who do not go through this phase. I was/am not one of them. It's important to note, however, the experience of this energy is felt differently by each body, each mind, each human being. This is simply my experience of it.

For me, one of the main drivers of this energy I carried was an overwhelming sense that no one "gets it". Because it feels like "no one gets it" {p.s. thank God they don't really get it, as I'd never want anyone to be exposed to what this feels like}, FEAR starts taking over. The FEARS that takes over may sound like this ::

I will become/am a mega buzz kill for people I care about.
I make things hard for other people.
I am in inconvenience.
I am not trying hard enough. I'm making this up...
(the list goes on)

The last thing I ever wanted was to be a burden. To anyone. A fiercely independent soul from birth, determined to be able to stand on her own two feet ... not "needing" anyone. Ughhhh.

The thing is, when someone loves you they feel your pain, your hurt, your fear, your anxiety, your depression.

...and that can be heavy. It may also come at a bad time for 'your people' to receive and hold space for you. Pain, especially chronic pain, can be A LOT.

So the tendency is to distance. Isolate. Start spinning that same old 'record' in our minds. Over and over and over, we play these soul-sucking mantras {as listed in bold above}.

Overtime my thoughts started shifting. "How could pain have a purpose," I would ask myself? What are you here to teach me? ... How could I shift this energy? Harness this energy even? How do I want to feel instead?

My-oh-my what pain has taught me ... my how pain has been my teacher. I believe pain became my teacher through meditation.

meditation musings

I was recently in Santa Cruz to work with my teacher Eoin Finn. Although we were indoors training all day, I woke every morning and walked down to the beach for a sunrise stroll + meditation. 

Meditation is so many things for so many people. Different things for different people. Including F'n hard to sustainably practice, but epically nourishing when you do.

One of the gifts of my meditation practice are these "downloads". I call them my meditation musings :: Insights, thoughts, little sound bites that come from deeply listening. From getting out of my own way. Opening, allowing, receiving. Sounds kinda woo woo on the surface, sure. But this is anything but "woo woo". It's only woo woo, until you try it. Until you experience it. "How could something so simple on the surface, be so powerful?" our ego consciousness will ask. 

A meditation practice is anything but woo woo. It is deep deep deeply healing, transformative, sacred, and accessible to anyone, anytime, anywhere. 

These downloads or meditation musings are the result of something I affectionately call "creativity breaks". Yes. I always have a pen/paper/journal/iPhone nearby ... and I take a sacred pause during my practice if something particularly juicy gets downloaded. Sometimes the practice is to let them go, trusting that they will resurface. Sometimes I practice letting them go, trusting that they were only meant to be witnessed and released, but not actioned further. But ultimately my practice doesn't involve getting overly hung-up on statue-like complete-and-utter-stillness. Instead I give permission to pause, write/capture, then return to my practice.

This was one of my downloads on the beach...

ON PAIN. oh teacher.

Sometimes I think pain has this capacity to accelerate or accentuate or deepen access to learning, insights, wisdom, maturing. If you let it.

It is in those dark moments of the soul, when truths step into the light to be seen. They, these truths, step into the light in many many many ways. Yes yes yes.

After what I've learned about the human body-mind system, there is never (or very very rarely) just one way or one reason for things. Which is both brilliant by design {high five to the creator of human beings} and maddeningly brutal for science/doctors/our minds, who want a 1+1=2 formula for all things in life. 

But because of this, it {PAIN} is like a gift from the Gods, the Universe, the Divine, Life.

They are presenting you with pain as a teacher, a lesson ... for growth, evolving, transformation, love. And I'm talking about all forms of pain -- physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, energetically, etc...

IF, of course, you choose to step into it, and truly move with/through it. IF you take this path ... the reward, the gift is this integration. This harmony. This resonance. A union. A greater sense of wholeness. An understanding. The truth of it all. Or at least more insight and clarity to keep exploring, to keep going, to keep growing. To keep making sense of it. To feel more deeply connected to yourself, to each other, to mama nature, to your purpose.

To access the gifts hidden within PAIN. 

Pain seems to be such an important teacher for beings, that I've begun to believe that even self-imposed pain {which is often completely unconsciously self-imposed} happens for this same reason. This unconscious aspect of human nature to create growth. To create purpose. To move into greater clarity. 

This all simply makes more sense-ness to me now.

Has anyone experienced this? Agree or disagree with this?

moving towards PEACE

It is during moments like these when I become acute aware of:

1) The disturbances I feel in my own energy system, in my own body, as it relates to pain, 
2) The ripples that pain can cause both in our own lives, and the lives of those around us, and
3) A sense of peace from this increased understanding, from releasing the resistance to it, and inspiration to bring this enhanced awareness, insight and mindfulness back into my choices, actions, reactions, and life.

The crazy thing? Is that in this very act, this very experience of love, of rest, of quiet stillness, of understanding, of acceptance, of hope ... we also shift our nervous system into a state of healing. Which has the capacity to shift pain. And there we are, full circle AWEsomeness.


I'd love to hear from you! Has anyone experienced this? Agree or disagree with this?